IM A DUMB ASS

Posted a new entry - you will find it a few posts down under March 24, 2008 "SHE IS A TREND SETTER FOLKS". Still cant figure out how to prewrite and save these then get them to post at the date I demand. This is not the first time I have done this so you might want to scroll a bit when popping into the blog to see if there is an update. Maybe we could look at it as a fun surprise - like a toy that is hidden in the bottom of the cereal box. Just keeping things interesting.

FUNNY STUFF

In researching the world wide web on how to make my blog the new cult religion that everyone follows....um...religoulsy (and therefore eventually pays for the mortgage and cute new shoes for mommy) - I came across a fantastic blog called Dadicals. Any post that has the headline "Daddy, kitties don't get cold in the freezer" is worth a read. In a sea of mommy blogs it is refreshing to dive headlong into the witty perspective of this man and his three sons. Well written, check it out at http://dadicals.blogspot.com/ .

TA DAAAAAAA!

Having a bit of a crazy week - we have some teeth coming in and we rolled over for the first time - however, not in the candy land version that one would HOPE as a new mom (there is always a twist at our house, hence the blog).

As for the teeth - we have the standard issue two bottom teeth coming in......and ONE of the pointy ones on the top left - yea that's right my kid is going to have FANGS. Do you think this has anything to do with the fact that I read the entire Twilight series during the last few weeks of my pregnancy?

And the rolling over - nope - no idealistic mom sitting by the sidelines cheering for her little one to reach this big milestone. Left the room with her chilling on her back on the towel on the floor after a bath - came back in 30 seconds later to THIS:

Cute but devious. Could she not have WAITED for me to be in the room at least? I am in shock quite frankly at how quickly she is growing up. I feel like I just spit the kid out yesterday. Teeth?! Are you kidding me? You mean, I'm actually a month or so away from making decisions on what she will be eating beyond ounce allotments? Mike is lucky if he gets a can of SpagettiO's and a manual can opener for dinner. I am going to have to bone up on my food pyramid for sure. Is Carnation Instant Breakfast one of the tiers?

And I'm not going to lie - I was excited when she rolled over sure, but my internal dialog was swimming with thoughts like, "Well, shit - you mean she is going to MOVE now - from where I placed her before? No more quick checks on email while she hangs out on her play mat in the next room." Let the fun - and mess - begin.

SHE IS A TREND SETTER FOLKS

My kid is currently sporting not one but THREE different hairstyles. Are they classic like the 'Audrey Hepburn' pixie, trendy like the 'Jennifer Aniston' layered look or even edgy like the 'Bo Derek' cornrow debacle (yea, I just aged myself...moving on)? Nope. As you will note in the given photo - they are three of the WORST styles one could choose.

Exhibit A, The Toupee: A unnatural and noticeable change from ones original hair offset by that of ones 'new' hair (or in this case NO hair).

Exhibit B, The Bald Look: Hip and in-fashion right now with 30 something gentleman. Done in an effort to hide male pattern baldness. Cool if you go the full monty. Not so cool if you just choose a two inch by four inch patch of hair in the back to eradicate.

Exhibit C, The Mullet Starter Kit: We all know what it is and it is NEVER a good look. On anyone. Ever.

Join me, will you, in wishing for a flowing 'Farrah Fawcett' in her future.

JUST A CASUAL STROLL

Went for our first ever outdoor walk with the little one last week. In my mind I pictured a serene family stroll on one of those pre-spring days that brings forth an energy your lazy winter ass had forgotten. A happy baby on an inaugural exploration of the world. Proud parents 'introducing' her to the neighborhood for the first time. Theme song of The Andy Griffith Show playing in the background (the catchy one, you know, with the whistling).

Yea. Well. Not so much.

Try 15 minutes of crying baby hot potato while each of us tried to figure out the puzzle that was our freshly unfolded stroller, another 5 minutes of crying baby while we try to strap her in for dear life, and 20 minutes of us traveling the shortest possible route of our development at a frantic pace with a screaming child while we take turns blocking every tiny element of nature from gracing her delicate presence (read: sun, wind, animal sounds, smells - pretty much everything one would find OUTDOORS). Eventually Mike had to take her out of the stroller entirely in an effort to soothe and muffle the wailing, and carry her briskly while I pushed the stroller a few paces behind trying to keep up.

When we got inside the house, she stopped instantly. Of course. I would not take this as defeat, oh NO! We were going to have a nice walk in the stroller if it was the last thing I did! So I gave the stroller another once over, moving the seat upright more, adjusting the straps and unlocking the wheels (yea, we walked around the block looking like even BIGGER morons when my husband had to pick up the back wheels and twist the entire stroller in an effort to TURN) - strapped the kid in and strolled her tiny ass around the kitchen, living room and dining room for 15 minutes or so. The little shit - she enjoyed the hell out of it and did not make a peep.

Our stroller, a Mutsy Spider, (aka Chariot of Doom) is actually pretty cool - its a great price, folds up tiny and, as it turns out, has a pretty rocking turn radius .... when you release the brakes.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE WOULD BE SO JEALOUS!

So, don't send the ASPCA for me after reading this but I must share that I have HORRIBLY neglected our other baby - Ari. If you check out my February 15th post you will note that he is an abnormally furry cat - I'm talking mountains of vacuum bags FULL of fur, furry cat. Before the baby came, I had developed a schedule where I brushed him from head to toe every morning. He would actually roll over from side to side when I asked so I could get every last patch detangled, all the while purring and reveling in my whispered compliments that afterwards HE would be the envy of every cat on the block with his Fabio like tresses.

You can see where this is going I am sure. When Rya came home it was not abnormal of me to declare 4:30 in the afternoon "breakfast time" because that was the first moment I had stopped to take a breath for myself that day. Needless to say, the feline grooming sessions ceased to exist and to a peril that none of us could have foreseen. My cat developed dreadlocks so bad even Bob Marley would have winced in sympathy. We couldn't so much as pet him for fear that it was hurting him by pulling on his clumping and felt-like mats. We felt awful. I tried to take the clippers to him one day in some last ditch effort to make things right but that went over like ..... a cat being held down while his tenders were being mauled by an electronic gadget.

So, we defaulted to the professionals. And this my dear friends is what came back to us. Was he ashamed, humiliated, acting oddly? NOPE - he LOVES it! He sashays around the house like someone is constantly shouting "Work it girl!" to him at every threshold. With his stylish mukluk 'boots', giant fluffy tail, enormous ruff and the uncovering of white tiger stripes on his flanks, I am now convinced that he is NOT an average house cat but a "Liger" (a lion and tiger mixed). Bred for his skills in magic (A-la Napoleon Dynamite). If by magic you mean he shits less in his litter box now that he does not have to 'bathe' all those flowing locks - then move over Chris Angel, there is a new kid in town!

WATCH OUT GISELLE

Recently we went to my in-laws house for a rare visit. My father in law (PaaaaPaaaaw is the handle he has given himself), is an amazing photographer and we set up Rya's first photo shoot. Some of the images that came out of this exorcise were stunning - dream photos that any mother would want to have of their four month old infant (see evidence of this above). But I am here to uncover what we all know is the dirty truth. Mothers only want to showcase the most aesthetically pleasing images of their offspring because it is a reflection of themselves...after all, we did HAND CRAFT these little beings out of our own genetic material right? What we all seem to forget, as we rifle through the albums of our friends or family members, is that there is a box or electronic file somewhere with gnarly reject photos that are choc full of boogers, spit up, crossed eyes, bad angles and wiggly screaming fits that are captured for all eternity on film. So I'm puttin it out there folks - here she is - my kid at her most visually unappealing.